lipat-bahay.

"..sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see"-save the best for last

i feel like crap. i've messed things up pretty bady with stuff i should've been prioritizing, and i've given tons of attention to things i could've put off till later. and now, i can't really do anything about the mess i've made. guess i'll have to wait for tomorrow. anyway, it's been so long since i've written a really honest post, oh maybe i never really did. i mean, i've always written lengthy posts but i never really talked about how i truly feel at the moment, like, things that really bother me and bug me all day long. personal stuff. so now i'm gonna try to do so. before, i used to write my thoughts at the back of my notebooks. of course that always had me panicking whenever teachers asked us to submit our notebooks because, heck, i can't really imagine how i'd act if i found out that my physics teacher read about my love life dilemma. then i also wrote my thoughts on journals that i sometimes left around the house, carelessly, and of course my mom and other people in the house also had glimpses to my innermost thoughts. so as a last resort, i just stored my thoughts on soft copy. and made sure that i put in passwords in all of them. and now, how weird is it, i'm writing my thoughts in this blog, accessible to everyone who goes online. i don't really know who reads this blog anyway, except for my few blogger friends who are kind enough to comment once in a while. and every now and then, a friend would tell me about how she/he read my blog entries, and that would really make me, uh, panick? and my mind would go over the secrets i've written here, or thoughts that i'm quite sure would be criticized. i mean, i don't want to write for other people. i don't want my writing's main reason to be something about impressing other people or whatever, that's the reason why there were times when i took a blog leave or deleted my blogs or posts. see, this is the only thing that i love to do- that actually brings about a product. and at times, all i think of when i listen to music, read a book, or watch a movie, is how what i've heard of, read, or watched could help me in my writing. it's like, writing is my end-all. and i don't want to mess it up. i read columns in the paper and i often end up day dreaming about a career as a writer in a paper that's circulated nationwide. but i'm very afraid about what others will say. and i also have a hard time sharing with other people this dream mainly because for the few times that i've shared it, i just got blank stares and discouragements. heck, now that i'm really being honest, i'm really messing up this post. all those segways are making me forget what this post is all about. okay, so there. i quoted above one of my favorite songs, save the best for last. it's one of the songs in a cd given to me by a.. uh.. i don't really know what he is to me. we've never really been friends, not even classmates. we only had, like, 10 conversations with each other in our entire lives, yet up to now i still think of him- too often, really. i don't know right now where the cd's are, maybe in my closet in my boarding house. he gave me 2 cd's. he gave them in third year, mid-march, i think. and i'm thinking that for others this may not really be that big a deal but for me it is. i don't know why, really. if i could stop it i would, because i had some obligations back then and one of them was to not think of other guys that way. but all that's done now, so there. during the last year in highschool, every time i get home i'd crash in my room and turn the cd player on, and i don't think i ever played other cd's except for the two that the 'cd guy' gave me. i don't love him, hell no, i never even really knew him. the few things i knew about him, though, made me want to know him more but there never was a chance, and right now i'm thinking that maybe that's all good because it's better that i don't really know him that well and like him so much, than know him well and just be disappointed that he's not the guy i thought he is. i don't know if he still thinks of me, but i'm betting half my load [P21.43] that he doesn't. he still knows me, that i'm sure of, but what is that worth? nada. right? oh well.. going back to the song, i just really liked the song 'save the best for last' because 1)the first time i heard it was from the cd, which makes it a lot more special 2)it makes a lot of sense 3)few people know about it and it's rarely played in the stations so when i hear it i'd like to think that it's a sign or something.. and another part of it that i like goes.."it's not the way i hoped or how i planned but somehow it's enough" and come to think of it, that's just what i wrote about a few sentences before.. like how it's good that i don't really knew him that well, like, if you asked me before how i'd like things to go, i'd say that i'd like us to be good friends at the very least. but what happened was we never even really got the chance. the few conversations, text messages, and online messages.. those really weren't how i thought things would go, but somehow they're enough. like, imagine, enough to still create an impact on me even after two years. and maybe you who are reading this right now are rolling your eyes because you think this is not really a big deal, i know i'd think the same way if this wasn't happening to me, but i don't know. my mind's just to stubborn to let this go. so.. after talking about 'cd guy' what else? oh yeah. i'm so nervous about this school year. i'm afraid that i won't have instant friends in the classes i enlisted in. like, in second sem, it was all great because i had friends that i knew from first sem, org, dorm, or whatever, and i'm just afraid that i wouldn't be as lucky as before but what the heck, we all start from scratch right? i mean, all the friends i've made, i didn't really know them before college, but now things are really going well, so maybe i should just see this whole "no block" thing as a good thing, being that i get to meet lots of different people, whatever. i prayed though, and thinking of that i know i'll be okay, i prayed for it. :) like, i'm not really confident that i'll have instant friends or my teacher will be kind enough to give me a grade better than a tres but i do know that whatever section i get in, God has a plan for me there. that's enough for me. oh.. and speaking of friendships.. i have this friend in highschool, and funny why now, things are turning out to be so awkward for the two of us. like, a year ago if you told me that i'll be having second thoughts about calling her, i'd tell you you're crazy.. but now, that's happening! and i just find it so weird, like how fast things can change in a span of one year.. i don't know if i changed, maybe i did, but i don't have the same problem that i have with her with my other highschool friends. so right now i'm guessing that we both changed, and our present characteristics repel.. oh i don't know. i just miss her. and i don't know what to do because it's not like we fought or whatever, i mean, it would be easier to fix if we actually fought- a few sorry's and all's well, but we didn't really fight. things just turned weird, know what i mean? and sorry's won't really fix that, right? so, after i post this i'm gonna hide in my room forever. or maybe not, who can guess anyway who i'm referring to in this post? i mean, the 'cd guy' is quite easy, but the friend's quite hard i think. hehe. whatever. feels good though, to actually talk about stuff that really bother me. it's not like writing them here will make them all better but i guess it's just really therapeutic, to know that maybe someone stayed long enough reading this article to reach this part. hehe. if you're reading this, though, please let me know, please? or if we've never really talked, or if you're 'cd guy' [asa pa!], just don't let me know, i'd just freak out. is this long and honest enough? hm. right now, i'm psyched about that last potter book. yeah! time to share all my theories. okay, just don't tell me that i suck if the book gets released and none of my theories are proven true. and, besides, there aren't my original theories. some though i thought of while reading half blood, some i just came across the net or heard from a friend and i found them quite possible so here are the things that i think will happen.. hogwarts won't open; harry is the seventh horcrux and he'll die; hermione or ron will kill voldemort; that's it! hehe. i just have to keep myself busy while waiting for the seventh book. i don't know if i'll buy it. ati tay's proposing that we share the cost, but i'm not sure.. i mean, it's 1400, so i'll have to shell out 700.. and that's equivalent to, like, 35 cello's doughnuts.. and i'm wondering if the book's worth it. i mean, i could borrow it, but if i don't read it soon then i'll find out about the ending even before i read about it, what with spoiler friends and all.. hehe. so now, i need to decide if i'm willing to give up 35 cello's doughnuts for the seventh and last installment of potter. oh well, i don't know. seems too much. hehe. and now, i just remembered one quote from dumbledore, too lazy to search the exact words on the net, but the thought is like, how it's a lot easier to forgive people when they're wrong that when they're right.. and it's really right, like, how will you deal with a bruised ego and knowing that another person's ideas are closer to the truth than yours? another thing.. i was just browsing through the papers, and there was bad news all over that i didn't even really take time to read each one. and that kind of scared me because getting used to bad news is a sign about how bad things are now. like, a priest said in a sermon about two years ago how news papers and news shows only talk about bad stuff, and he said it like it was a bad thing, like, how bad things are nowadays.. but i think it's actually a good thing that news on shows still tackle bad happenings because if they stopped doing so then that means that bad news isn't news anymore, know what i mean? like, if they started reporting, "peaceful elections in 2 towns in luzon" then would that be really good to hear, even if it was good news? because then it's also said that in all the other towns, the elections didn't go peacefully. slowly, though, transition is taking place. like, as i said earlier, i didn't really pay that much attention to all the bad news, and i'm sure it's not just me who's gotten so used to all the bad news. just scares me though, thinking about how close the whole world is to actually seeing good news more worthy of broadcast than bad news. i don't know. thanks for reading. ^_^

Javan is the best poet ever! I mean, I'm not really into poetry- reading or writing- but when I read Javan's poems, I really fell in love with them. and with love. There's really no one else to fall in love with. [oooh]

Here's a link to his website, it features some of his works. I don't really know if the books are available here because we only got them through my aunt and my sister's friend abroad through e-bay. Still, there are enough poems on his site to convince you that he's the best poet ever!!! Hehe.. and here are a few favorites, make sure you visit his site.. promise you'll enjoy! :)

from 'something to someone'

I thought it funny when they asked
if I felt cheated
now that I've lost you;

for I could have lost you
only if I had owned you
the way I might own a coin.

But you are another person
traveling through life,
and I was lucky
just to have shared a part of your journey.

So how could I feel cheated
when there are so many
who have never known you at all.

***

I didn't ask for it to be over,
but then again,
I didn't ask for it to begin.

For that's the way it is with life.
As some of the most beautiful days
come completely by chance,
but even the most beautiful days
eventually have their sunset.

this is where all this javan craze started. my sister got this as a text message and she googled it and she discovered javan! this one's really nice, it's like the quote, "every song ends, is that any reason not to enjoy the music?" because you can't expect all good things to last forever. and it wouldn't really be good if they did because then they wouldn't be so good anymore. and before you start asking why it ended, you should ask first why it even began..

***

Watching you walk out of my life
does not make me bitter or cynical about love,
but rather makes me realize
that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person,
how beautiful it will be
when the right one comes along.

***

I've been touched by the morning sun
that chases the night away,
and I've been touched by the gentle words
that love-struck poets say.

And I've been touched by the morning mist
everyone calls the dew,
but it all seems more beautiful
now that I've been touched by you.

this is cheesy. because it rhymes. hehe. but of all the poems that rhyme, this is the sweetest one that doesn't make me want to gag.

***

I don't wish to be everything to everyone,
but I would like to be something to someone.

:)

***

from 'a heart full of love'

If you can just turn
And walk away
And feel there's nothing more
You need to say
And you do not feel a tearing
In your Heart

If you can so easily
Forget about me
And all the things
I tried to be
Then I guess there was really no reason
For you to stay

***

I don't think it was selfish
That I wanted to be with you
That I wanted to share your laughter
That I wanted to protect you from your fears
That I wanted to be a part of your Life

But I admit I had my needs
I needed understanding
I needed someone to hold
I needed someone to talk to

For you can only hold a pillow
For so long
And there is only so much you can say
To a dog

***

from 'meet me halfway'

We should do everything
Within reason
To save a good relationship
But if we are constantly
Trying to save it
It's probably
Not a good relationship

***

see! told you he's good. :)